Crocodile Hunter Dude
Starring :
D: Dundee Crocodile Nigel
T: His lovely assistant: Tadpole Cindy
M: MD doctor Chris
Bunny1:Kyle
Bunny2: Matt Dean
(This skit was stolen
from Monty Python’s The Meaning Of Life
DVD track about War, but it can be adapted to Croc hunter. Croc Hunter is missing is leg when he wakes
up and we shot a video for the second act.)
T: (walking in) Good morning Dundee
D: (lying down in sleeping bag on table) huh oh good morning tadpole. Did you sleep well.
T: yes like a baby. How about you?
D: Oh I slept like a rock last night. Funny thing though I think I have a hole in my mosquito net.
T: why’s that?
D: well it seems I was bitten during the night
T: really let’s have a look
D: (pulls back sleeping bag to reveal leg missing)
T: (no emotion) whole leg gone a?
D: yes
T: how’s it feel
D: stings a bit
T: Well it would now wouldn’t it. That’s quite a bite you have there.
D: Yes beauty a isn’t it
T: Any idea how it happened?
D: None what so ever a complete mystery to me. Woke up just now one sock to many.
T: Better send for the doctor
D: Oh hardly worth it. I hate to trouble him.
T: Yes, well better safe than sorry
M: I came as soon as I could. What seems to be the trouble?
T: yes during the night Dundee got his leg bitten sort-of…off
M: Any headache or other symptoms?
D: no not really
M: Well then lets have a look at this one leg of yours. (Doctor examines legs makes doctor grunts) Yes well this is nothing to worry about..
D: oh good
M: There is a lot of it about. Probably a virus… keep warm, get plenty of rest and if your playing football or anything try and favor the other leg.
D: oh right-o thanks Doc
M: You’ll be as right as rain in a couple of days
D: oh thanks for the reassurance
M: your welcome that’s what I’m here for. Any other problems I can reassure you about.
D: no, I’m fine
M: Good then I’ll be off (Doctor stands up)
D: (nonchalant) so it just grow back again, will it?
M: uhh (sitting back down) I think I’d better come clean with you about this. It’s it’s not a virus I’m afraid.
You see a virus is something we doctors call “very very small”. So small it could not have possibly made off with a whole leg. What we are looking for here is some sort of multi-cellular life form with strips, huge razor sharp teeth about 11 foot long, and of the genus horibulous fibulous. What we doctors call a tiger
T & D in amazement “A Rabbit!”
D: A rabbit in South Carolina!
T: hum? Oh well it probably just escaped from a zoo or something
M: If you can find the leg immediately you can probably stitch it back on.
T: I organize a party
D: this is hardly the time
T: A search party
D: oh oh oh right. Much better idea.
(Exit scene)
ACT II
(Scene shot in woods)
dub in jungle sounds
later
as search party Doctor
Tadpole and Dundee on crutch come walking through woods.
* group comes out of
the thick into a clearing and hears a tiger sound
* camera zooms in on head of bunny with enormous
fangs emerging from woods
T: Good googly moogly! Look at the size of it! (moving his finger along the length of it)
*Camera pans from head
all the way down to the tail sticking out a good 30 feet away.
*Camera back on search party drawling there guns in fear and firing away
*shoot another shot over their shoulders firing. Dub in gun shots
Both ends of the rabbit come running out of the woods screaming
B1 & B2 “don’t shoot, don’t shoot!”
*shot of party looking
bewildered and lowering their guns
* Bunnies have hands
up bent at elbow
B1: Don’t shoot we’re not a bunny. We were just ah…
T: Why are you dressed as a tiger?
B2: hum?… oh why, why?… haa isn’t it a lovely day today.
M: Answer the Question
B2 uh we were just a…
B1 Actually we’re dressed like because … oh that’s not it
B2 Oh we did for a laugh you know a gag simple as that
B1 nothing more to it
*camera on party
looking dumbfounded waist up
B1 well actually were on a mission for secret service intelligence… there’s a conspiracy to make school year round
B2 no, no, no (whispering giving the elbow)
B2 no no no were doing it for an advertisement
B1 ahh that’s it… forget about the conspiracy….ah were doing an add for Bunny brand coffee
B2 singing bunny brand coffey. Is a real treat. Even bunnies prefer it to real meat.
T: Now look 1st of all bunnies don’t eat meat and second…
B2: all right all right we are dressed as a bunny because he had an auntie who did it back in 1850 and this is the 150th anniversary…
B1 no we’re doing it for a bet
B2 Matt told us to do it
B1 to tell the truth we’re completely mad both make crazy faces
B1 We were inmates at the Newberry Psychiatric Institution and we escaped by making this costume out of old used cereal packets.
D: It doesn’t matter
T: what?
D: It doesn’t matter why they are dressed like a giant bunny have they got my leg?
T: Good thinking…. Well have you?
B2: Actually
T: yes?
B2: It’s because were thinking of training as taxidermist and we wanted to get to know the animal’s point of view.
T: Be quiet! We’re just asking you if you’ve got this mans leg.
B1: A wooden one?
T: no no a real leg. Look he was fast asleep and someone or something came in and removed it.
B1 without waking him up?
T: pausing looking around yes
B1 I don’t believe you
B2 we found the bunny suit in a closet at Windy Gap
T: shut up! Now have you or have you not got his leg.
B2 yes
B1 No
B2 no no no nooo (shaking head)
B1 no no nooooo
T: Why did you say yes?
B1: I didn’t
T: I’m not talking to you.
B2 uh um hua looking around and at sky
T: right search the thicket
B1 oh come on! Do we look like the sort of guys who’d creep into a camp at night, steal into someone’s tent, anasteadic them, tissuetype them, amputate a leg and then run away with it?
T: search the thicket!
B2 oh leg, leg yeah I think there might be one in there somewhere.
M: ah hah I found it. Quickly let me put it back on. Here this duct tape ought to do the trick.
Next show a rustling
in the bushes and out comes the cured dundee
D I feel much better now. Thanks Doc
M: oh don’t mention it
D well Terry we must get going if we’re going to make it to Windy Gap on time.
T right lets go